Alright guys, I said in my miscarriage follow up video that we all should talk more opening about miscarriages and even just about trying to conceive in general so here I am. This past month was our first time actually TTC again after our miscarriage. Per doctors orders we did wait the one cycle before starting up again but after that we decided to jump right in. Now I know this isn’t for everyone, but Chappy and I both felt like it was the right decision for our family to move forward.
If I’m going to be honest though, this first month was filled with anxiety. I had the normal “What if I don’t get pregnant” anxiety along with the addition of the “What if I DO get pregnant” anxiety. I’m more scared than I’d like to admit about getting pregnant again. I think if/when it does happen I’ll probably be a nervous reck the entire pregnancy.
In the end though, when it didn’t happen for us this month I was devastated. I know people have it way worse than I do. I already have Waylen, I’ve only had one miscarriage, and it hasn’t taken us long to get pregnant either time, but I still feel that ache deep in my chest, that giant pit in my stomach, whenever I see a new pregnancy announcement or baby bump picture. It’s not that I’m not happy for them but it just reminds me of my own loss. I get jealous and feel almost empty. I would’ve been 18 weeks yesterday and it’s still hard to think about. It’s weird because I would have been getting a belly right now but obviously I’m not. I didn’t even have an enjoyable pregnancy last time (well at least the first 24+ weeks) and seriously that’s all I can think about! I just want to be pregnant again already!!
Why does TTC have to be so stressful?!
Anyways, I just wanted to pop on here real quick to acknowledge all of those who have experience their own loss or who are dealing with infertility or honestly anyone who is just dealing with any of the other stresses that come along with TTC. I see you. I feel your pain, your heartache. I now understand how hard it is to see those announcements. No one deserves to go through any of it, so I’m thinking of you, praying that one day we will all get our little babes.